With Pleasure & Kindness

Bandur bandhu ejone dusokiya bahon ekhon kinibo. Kintu letha tu hol teo xei bixoye besi nejane. Kobogole teo asolote 2 wheeler indutrir pora last 5 bosor manor pora xampurna disconnected. Gotike jote bhaal scooter dekhe alop rakhi taar model ba look tu sai loi. Teneke edin ekhon kola bike teor bor bhaal lagil. Osor saapi jaotei xaru suwali ejoni bhutung koi olai kole – uncle drop kori dim neki. Mor pleasure aase. Bandhur bandhuye moi apunak with pleasure drop kori dim buli bhul xuni kole bola. Uthiyo suwa hobo, performance tuyo gom puwa jabo. Uthaat agote sudhile ei model tur pise ki naam. Suwali pleasure buli koutehe buji paale je scooter khonor naam ki. Mone mone bhaabile - pleasure eitu kenekuwa naam. Ghor pua loike bandhur bandhue teor dusokia kinaar plan tu kole. Suwaliye nomai thoi xudhile – pleasure khon kene paale? Bandhur bandhu – bhaalei. Moi pise kindness khon he lom buli bhabisu.
Xosaake product bilakor naam aaji kaali je ki sanghatik. Sunny gaari khon dekhile logote Leonne logai dim jen laage (it would be a hot ride huh?). Scala naamtu rokhaitkoi kela rakhile Indian appeal tu alop besi barhile heten.

Oh no

Ketiyaba bejarote tuponi nahile mor, kopalote jen haat juwa burai.........

Gurgaon aaha emaah hol. emaah okole thaaki britisna jaagi goise. Maggi aaru koni dekhile bomi hobo jen laage. family ki bastu gom pai galu. Aurangabadot rojar nisina thakisilu. eyaait autot ghuri ghuri kokaal bixai goise.

Xenduria prabhati xurujar axaat blog kori bohi aasu

Bijoya Dasami

Kaali bijoya dasami. Xaru thakute jayantipurot (Pitar gaor ghorot) puja karu. Bujar Barua family’r puja. Tiniso bosorot kayo purana. Shivasinghor dinor pora puja hoi. Jayanti kaali mondirot. Aami sasthir dinai bedding loi upasthit hao. Next paach din bosoror sobotke eventful din hoi. Khuraar lora, pehir lora  sobe mili somonia group bilaake din tu nijor mote katao. Pukhurit ga dhuo. Dhuti pindhi puspanjali lau. but mahor Prasad khao. Bhat daali aaru labra (mixed sabji) – amrit jen xuwad loi khao. Duporiya bivinna khel dhemaali aaru adda. Aabelir pora arombho sankirton. Dhol khol taal loi dekar pora burha sakaloye naasi naasi gai. Ki je furtee. Raati anjali aaru dandabaat. Dandabaat mane khaali dhuti pindhi matit pori sastango pronaam. Raati Negara naam. Taal aaru Negarar sabdot rajanjonai jai gotei gaon. Aami dhaarir uporote sui jao. Raatipuwa bisonat xaar pao. Borer puwai phul tulib jao. Kune kimaan collect koribo paare taar competition. Breakfast khai din tur karone akow ready. breakfastor luchi aaru alohir karone thowa mithai chor kori khuwa adventure bilaak etiya monot porile haahi uthe. Astomi aaru nobomit pehi, mama sob nojor nijor family loi ebaar holeu aahe. A massive hathering for perfect socialisation. Mama bure puja sabo poisa diye. Xei poisa re pistol kinu. Koto je kando, kimaan je ghotona. Kot je gol xei din bur...

Moi bhabilu pujaar emaan anodor pora mor suwaali dujanik bonchito koribo nuyaari. Xihatak puja dekhabo loi golu. Papa monster tur naam ki? Durgar dui faale thoka dujoni kun? Ganesh festival to hoi gol, phir ganesha durgar logot kiyo aase? Prasnar utpatot thaakibo nuwaari xihotok Ramayanor kaahini tu aaru durga pujaar kotha kolu. TV’t splendid audio visualere kahaani dekhi dekhi, mor purani xaadhu kowa style tu xihotor posndo nohol. Gom paalu next kaam tu kori pelaai ghor juwahe kotha. Taar pasor aadha ghontat tini plate chiken thaali, ek plate chicken kantuky aaru ek plate paneer 65 xex kori ghor gusi aahilu.

Kaali bijoy dasami. Xaru kalot, ghoror pujaat, aami raati puwa ga pa ghui “om sarasatya namah” likhiilu – 108 baar. Xei kagoj devir pratimaat olomai disilu. Tenekuwa korile henu parikkha bhaal hoi. Andha biswahi korisilu kintu etiya bhaabi laage kimaan innocent kaam korisilu. Duporiya bhaat khai pratimaak pita, khura aaaru gaor deka hote nij kandhot uthai osorore borolia nodiloi loi jai. 2 km manor duratta. 500 maan manuhe naasi baagi, devir gun gaai jai. Raastat jegai jegai manuh roi thaake. Pratima rakhai gaor jiyori buwariye sawul mare, sindur logai. Nodir parot devik prai eghonta maan xomoi rokhai ebaar last baror karone xakaloye tibro ulaahot naase. Devi bisarjan saboloi dur duronir pora manuh aahe. Nadi parot taar korone mela bohe. Khurma, jeelapir dukaan. Pujat mama hotor pora collect huwa poisa bor jomai thuwa thaake – khurma jeelapir karone. Xondhiya nomaar agote pita, khura hote devik loi naami jai nodir majoloi. Axomor nodi, sodai kobal. Bor bhai laage. Xaru bilaakok nodir parot jabo diya nohoi. Bhiror dhakkat Jodi nodit pori jai. (jayanti kaalir kripaat Juwa tinixo bosore kintu etao accident huwa nai). Etiyayo monot aase - pratima bisarjonor pisot deutai sobore karone khurma kine. Pratima kandhot loi juwa bilakor karone special jeelapi. Xei dina raati Jayantipuror ghorot adda bohe. Aaji raati aaru kono tension nai, ratipuwa xonkaale uthar, pujar preparation korar etc etc. Xei adda jomi uthe jetiya konuba ejoni pehi ba daideye epaak naasi diye. Ejon dadai khuhutiya kotha koi petor naari daal daal kori diye ba ejon khurai xundar gaan gai.

Xei puja mor karone eta smritir pera. Maaje maaje khuli sao aaru bhitoror treasure bor dekhi bhitori bhitori anondito hoi eta natun energy pao.

Kaali Bijoya Dasami – Suva Bijoya

    

Pratibhar Smriti

Edin hothaat xi bhutung koi olal. Moi dorja khuli taak dekhi alop asorite holu. Dhumuhar dore sumai aahi xi taar signature stylot xudhile ”cigarette aase?”

“nai. Moi baad disu”

“kiyo cancer neki?” taar typical kharangkhas style. Moi taak bahu dinor pora jaanu. Gotike hatbhambha nahalu

“paach bosor agote erilu. Dangor suwali tetiya tini bosor. Edit tai kole papa tumaar gaar pora beya gondho olai. Xidinar pora baad”

“kaali Jodi tai koi tur mukhar pora gondho olai to khuwa baad bondho kori dibi?” taar ajuktikor kotha ignore kora mor karone xohoj. Moi eituwu jaanu je taar beberibaang kothar patoni mane serious kotha kiba aase.

Proactive hoi aaru kiba ulta pulta kuwar agote kalu “vodka aase. Khabi?”

“de. Vodkar baas puwaliye nepai jen pao” Ignore the 2^nd sentence. Moi nijoke kolu

Xi tenekuwai. Engineeringor hostelot prothom dina ekeloge ragging khai sinaaki huwa aaru tar pisor saari bosoror constant partner. Tetiyawo xi tenekuwa aasile, etiyawo xi enekuwa. Mukhat ji thaake koi diye. Bahute beya pai kintu taar basic human nature tu saai pisot nije nije thik hoi jai. Facebook chasebookat taar interest nai. Logor bilaake moke taar kotha xudhi thake. Moi nu ki kom. Thaku ekekhon Pune sohorote, kintu contact hoi taar mood hole. Beberibung bokatu bhang khuwar lakhyan buli bahute koi. Moi kintu nemanu. Hostelot bahut bhang khalu. Kimaan din je submarine maari pink Floyd bojai guitaror logot ekhon beleg duniyaloi uti bhahi goisilu...taar kunu hisaab nai. Aase matho smriti. Smriti Choudhury nohoi….memorywala smriti.  

Large peg duta bonai, eta taak di kolu “ko”

“Ki kom?”

“ji kobo aahisili”

“ki kobo aahisilu?”

“moi ki jaanu?”

“koi aasu roh. tai aase?” tai mane mor patni. Duyure rahi jora nimile. Tai thoka timot xi naahe, aahileo tai taar agot nulai. Tair mote xi eta bhangura aghori, taar mote tai ejoni control freak. Mok angulit nachuyai.

“aaji xonibaar. Toi to janoi mor off aaru tair duty tkake”

“puwali kot?”

“dance classot goise. Ahiboloi eghontaro besi aase”

“anibo jabo lagibo?”

“nelage. driver tuye loi aahibo”

“life ho to aisi”

“ko etiya”

“moi beeya patibo olaisu”

“kiiiiiii?” reaction tu alop besi hoi gol. Hoboi. Taar nisina lorai nije beeya paatim buli koise. Tathapi kothatu beya hol. Ajuktikor prosno bahut olabo pare. Jene ”emaan asorit hoiso je? Moi beeya patibo nuwaru neki. Tor dore nikamma etai pare Jodi moi nuwaru neki?” etyadi, etyadi. Situation tu manage koribo lagibo

“mane wow!!!” buli koi uthi goi freez tur pisot mukh khon dhakilu.

“ice mor karoneo alop aanibi”

Aaru eta peg bonai, borof dhaali moi taar kaxot aahi bohilu. Xi mor reaction tur bixoye uncomfortable question nusudhile. Bodhhai xi prepared hoi aahise – mor pora tenekuwa reactionor karone. Kothatu bhabi alop relax holu.

“ei baar axom jaote Pratibhak log palu”. Pratibha taar ex-preyoshi. Etiya duta puwalir maak. Giriyek fishery officer. Pratibha, xi aaru moi ekekhon townore. Kintu aamaar xinaki AEC’t. Tai taar schoolor dinor preyashi. Taai maaje maaje hostel aahe, osorore university hostelor pora. Prathom baar ahote xi aaru moi roommate. Gotike badhyatamulak sinaaki aru taar pisot roomor pora olai juwar engit. Bor bhaal suwali aasile tai. Taar nisina mukali ghora etaak je keneke baandhi rakhisil bhabi asorit laage. Ebaar xi bihur pisot hostelot pitha loi aahisil. Pratibhai banuwa pitha. Logor bilaake gom pai taak khub jokaale. Guwahatir lora Daduye alop besi aag baari goi pitha khon asleel dhorone seleki khale aaru pitha khonok praibhar eta body parts logot rijaale. Xei dina hostelor lora bilaake taar eta beleg roop dekhisil

“atcha. Taar pisot”

“Common friendor bhoniyek ejonir beeyat log paalu. Khuwar xomoit taai aaru moi ekeloge bohisilu. Tair giriyek tu beleg ekhon tabulot bohi puwali duta sombhali aasile. Xei pondoro minitot tai mok luchi, ghugni aaru rosogollar logot proposal eta khuwai dile. mor henu beeya korar boyosh paar hoi goi aase aaru more importantly tair hatot ejoni perfect suwali aase”

“ex flame acting as matchmaker” moi katakhya tu marar chance tu eridibo nukhujilu

“sarcasm tur mukhat bhaal nelage”

“sorry”

“tai mok next day suwali sabo matisile. Xei dina raati moi bahut bhabilu aaru decide korilu je Pratibhar karone moi atleast suwali joni sai aahim. Ratipuwa juwar agote moi maak dekha kori golu. Janoito maa aajikaali bisonate pori thaake. Uthibo nuware. Normally moi gole maar lecture arombho hoi jai - mor jeewan to moi keneke nosto kori aasu aaru kaande. Xidina mai eko nokoi khaali haahi eta maari kole aaji moi xaantit moribo paarim“     

Xi ebaar kahani arombho korile sob koi jai. Moi by defauly ejon bhaal listener. Xei karone prithibit saage mor agote xi sob kotha khuli koi.

“suwali tur kotha ko” purana dinor excitement aahi goise. Hostelot thakute amar duniya khon khub ximito aasile. Xei ximito duniyar permanent resident aasile jogotor sob  good looking suwali bur. Smriti Choudhurik moi green card disilu. Bor beleg dhoronor suwali aasile tai. Lora type. Boys cut. Bike solai. Kiba rohosyojonok karonot ebosor loss kori amaar semesterot aahisil. Tair mod aaru bhangor proti affinity thaka buli remour eta aasile. Lora bilaake khub fantasise kore. Moi edin xudhi pelaisilu – tumi bule bhang khuwa? Taar pisot tai amaar bhangor addar regular member. Khub bhaal gaan gaisile. Moi silimor pora bhang khabo nuwarisilu. Cigaretot mix kori khao. Tayo eke. Xi kinto silim tanisil. Prothomote bhangor addat suwali aana karone xi beya paisil. Kintu ebaar tair gaan aaru musicor funda xunaar pisot xi taik member hisabe accept kori loisil. Sei Smriti Choudhury edin bhang khai mor bisona khonot boliya hoi goisil. Taik bule kihobai uruwai loi jai. Aami bedsheetere taik bandhi rakhibo loga hoisil. Edin tai mok ejoni suwali dekhabo loi goisil. “tumaar karone ejoni bamunor suwali saiso. 4^th sem mechanical”. Sei suwali aaji mor patni

“moi Pratibhar ghor goi olalu. Fishery officer mor karone roi assile. Bor bhaal kaam koribo olaisa buli xi amaak taar garit suwalir ghoroloi drop koribo loi gol. ekhon onaath ashromor agot gaari rokhai mok aaru Pratibhal nomai xi gusi gol. Moi kiba bhabi puwaar agote tai mok bhitoroloi loi gol. enekuwa lagisil jen sob agote pre-planned aasile. Mok eta roomat loi juwa hol. Alop pisot Pratibhai ejoni suwali loi aahile. Average type suwali ejoni kintu mukh khon sanghatik ujjal”

“baby adoption xunisilu, bride adoption natun concept. Sorry koi ja”

“Luitor banot suwali jonir sob uti gol. maak, paapek, ghor, bhayek. Tai hostelot aasile. Porhat biraat soka. Pratibha hote poisa uthai taik AEC’t MCA korale. Final exam di etiya reslutor karone bohi aase. Campus’t TCS paise, Pune posting. Kintu okole jabo dibo bhoi kore. Pratibhai jaane moyo software company’t kaam karu. Suwali mot ke 10 bosor xaru. Kintu Pratibhai bisaare moi taike beeya korai Pune loi aahu. Amaar xangsaar nosolileo tair jeewan tu soli jabo.”

“Marriage as social responsibility? Good. Gotei jeewan tu toi nijor karone jiyali. Etiya alop belogor karone jee sa”

“Pratibhayo take kole. Tair mote mor jeewantu patni nuhuwake soli sabo paribo, mor saage ketiyao patnir darkaar nohobo. Moi bule bhangura siva babar nisina, jeewan tu kotai dibo paarim, kintu ejoni Parvati’r life tu Jodi mor karone settle hoi jai, then I will no longer be Shiva the destroyer”

Taar kotha bilaak xuni moi Nirav hoi thakilu. Nijoke taar bandhu hisabe jaani Gaurav bodh korilu. Bhabilu aaji patnik koi bhaal lagibo je tai jaak beya manuah buli bhabe xi asolote ejon mohan manuh. Bhaang khalei maanuh beya nohoi. Raati kothatu patnik kolu. Tai climax tu nijor stylot kori golpotu xex kori thole

“xi tair uproot ehsaan kora buli nebhabiba. Ulta taihe taar uport dangor ehsaan eta korise. Taar nisina bhangura aad doyoxia manuh etaar log beeya hoboloi maanti hoise”

Perspective!!!!.

Deuka

Moi paakhi meli disu

Ebuku axaa aaru eta xapon loi

Niyorot tita surya xeekha

Aaru dhuxorito gadhuli

Moi paakhi meli disu

Deuka bhangar bhoi

Aaru herai juwar bibhixika

Adrishyo edaal xeekoli

xei xeekoli bhangi aaji

Moi paakhi meli disu

Prarthona aaru sahanubhuti

Nojokaba aaji mok

Jeevan bator majpothot

Bishwaxor brihot pradakhyep

Moi paakhi meli disu

Brastachar

Lord Vishnu is angry. You can see it on His face. He is walking from one end of the giant lotus where He normally lies down at this time of the day, to the other. Not today. Today He is worried. Worried because He has been told by a group of Devtas just now that Indralok is about to go bankrupt. Unless He does something drastic and quick, it’s going to be the end of the Universe.

He still remembers the day when Bramha came to Him to warn. Brahma explained to him the revenue model of heaven. Not that He does not know about it, but after all the incarnations and a few thousand years on the trot, even Lord Vishnu is allowed to forget a few trivial things. Vishnu asked Brahma if those wonderful process excellence tools, invented by human can be used up here on Indralok to save a few bucks. “Not when Indra and his fellow Devtas consume 50,000 lit Somras everyday” Brahma was quick to reply. “Especially not when you insist on retaining the same old dancers like Urvashi & Menaka by doing plastic surgery” Narad was even quicker. “But the doctors have done a wonderful job” Vishnu thought aloud but did not say it for the fear of a stern look from Laxmi who has been insisting on a nose job from last 3 decades. Focus Vishnu focus – He brings back his mind to the heavenly issues again.

He calls for an emergency meeting of the Trinity council - Brahma, Vishnu, Maheshar. Actually it’s more of a one man show. Shiv, now a day is completely intoxicated. Nandi, apparently has experimented with so many varieties of grass that Mahadev now does not even need a chillum. Brahma is suffering from dementia and Vishnu wandered if the meeting will even last till lunch

“Team we have a problem” Vishnu opened with his usual calm voice. Today He was tense

Brahma: “Oh. I must have forgotten to flush the toilet”

Shiv: “That’s why I don’t tell Parvati where I keep my collection of..eh”

Vishnu:”Guys guys guys it’s not what you think. We have a code RED here and I need immediate attention from all of you”

Brahma:”What is code RED”

Shiv: “Give me Reeeeeeeeed. Huh huh ha”

 Vishnu:”We ARE red. Kaput. Khallas. No more money for your phoney trips or your old age medicine pals. Get up. Give me some hand here”

This made both Shiva and Brahma the jolt to bring them to the senses. Vishnu explained to them the revenue model of Indralok. “As you are aware, we print a million Mudras for every honest politician or Babu from our beloved earthly place called India. In the last couple of centuries we got fantastic brands like Gandhi, Ambedkar, Subhas which kept the Mudra value way below the Dollar giving us a fiscal surplus. But all of a sudden we stopped getting honest politicians and babus from India. Honest politicians are such a rarity in India that the term is taught as an example of oxymoron in schools now a days. So I need your advise on improving the situation”

 Shiv:”I heard about this guy called Anna. What about him? Can we bank on him?

Vishnu:”May be yes..may be no. The way his fellow partners are going......I am not sure”

Brahma being the practical guy, suggested a few business ideas. “Let’s print a Mudra for the air people breath every day. 120 Cr people... 120 Cr Mudras everyday.”

Vishnu:”Not a bad idea. I think all the internet entrepreneurs are doing exactly the same. Make it free at first and then once people are addicted.....start a nominal fee”

Suddenly Shiv realised that He needs to contribute too (otherwise listen to the same jargons during yearend appraisal and raise for more joints). “How about printing a Mudra for every 30ml consumed in India”

”Not a bad idea” Vishnu realised suddenly that the meeting is warming up. He switched off the iPhone so that Laxmi does not disturb Him. He hates to switch off the gadget which was personally gifted to him by Steve, but today it’s a matter of life and death. Pondering over Bholebom’s idea, Vishnu made a rough mental calculation of the Mudra numbers. He did not like what He got.

“We need much more than that”. Vishnu declared

The trio tried everything at their disposal but nothing really came out. When they were about to call it a day, it struck the trinity that why not capitalise the very fact that is making the Indralok bankrupt.

“Let’s print a Mudra for every act of corruption that a babu or neta commits” The trio cried in unison......And thus the heaven survived to live another lifetime

Daag

Mor bisonaat eta daag aase

Tair logot moi xodai xuo

Bisona sador khon dhuleo daag tu thaaki jai

Raati xuwaar xomoyot akou amoni kore

Edin raati moi ghuri oha naasilu

Tai sakumudi moloi roi aasile

Gotei raati axaar baraxunot titi

Xei dina raati bhija daag tu mouna hoi gol

Moi aaru mor abhimaani daag

Joubonor bheta di rakhibo nuwara baanot phura

Eta kamonaar tej ronga saneki

Moi khaali anguli bulai jao

Aaru tai gun gunai

Xaap

Xaapor dore tai pori thake potharot

Tair dehot ajoshro futaa

Xei futaare paani olai

Xei paanire pothar knone xaponor kathiya pare

Edin xaap daal mori thaakil

Bondho hoi gol tair randhra dhaar

Bukur kothiya pelaai pothaar nirob hoi gol

Moi etiya edaal xaap bisaari aasu

Xaponor kothiyatoli punor jeepal kariboloi

God

You wanted me to live

But I fought

You wanted me to be myself

But I aped morons

Science call you dark

Art call you God

You are a mystery

But I know the truth

You are what every person is

You want what every person has

Yet you are faceless and nonexistent

Like a void without dimension

From here to eternity

From big bang to black hole

You are what you should be

Open your door of perception

To see Him in His true state

Baan Paani

It is hard to believe that the splendor of Brahmaputra, with which I am in love, would spill into the life and soul of so many innocents. It ignites a flame that tortures me without end. Whoever has experienced the evils of flood that Brahmaputra brings in every year, knows the ills that comes upon lesser mortals. A man fears everything divine, but whenever a man made (or lack of it) cheers on destructive voyage, its plain agony and helplessness. Do we need another Noah in Assam to save us from the massacre?

An average Assamese works in a rainy, muddy, cold and damp environment for most of his life but still dreads the sight of an embattled farmer on a littered village devastated by the deluge. Why can’t we stop the overwhelming power of flood that comes to Assam every year like a festival of death & disease? The limit to do so exists only in the mindset.

Flood may be unpreventable but damages can be prevented. For most part of India, water is an asset but for Assam it’s an enemy. It’s time to think for the policy makers and administrators to turn one’s liability to other’s asset. Repetitive flood is a slap on our progress and we can no longer afford the high cost of natural disasters.

Let’s rise from the swamp full of mosquitoes to the high tide of political will with a mindset to stop this inundation.   

God...as I Know

Jagatot henu duta bhagobaan aase. Eta.....jiye manuh sristi korile....aaru eta jaak manuhe sristi korile. I believe in the God who created mankind. I hate the God created by mankind. Manuh banuwa bhagabaan nirakar, eta xaathor....bigyanor porixore dhuki nupuwa (so far) eta abuj xathor. Sei bhagobaane akol manuhoke banowa nai...teo bonaise pura brahmando. teo apurb xoktixaali kintu teo manuhor karone kunu niyom bonai di juwa nai. Manuhe banuwa bhagabaanor aakaar aase, teok worship korar nyom aaru rituals aase. Manuhor bhogobaane amaak monday brot rakhibo koi, mangso jobai kore khabo koi, kapoor ki pindhim taako koi.....aaru aami taak follow kori thaku...blindly.

The Mine by Arnab Ray

I was about to board a flight to US. The thought of 15 hrs nonstop journey that too in economy class made me restless. Thought of buying some books to kill time. Mumbai international airport has all shorts of fancy stores but not a decent book store. Anyway shortlisted 2 books – The inscrutable Indian by Anurag Mathur and May I have your attention please by Arnab Ray. I am a fan of Indian writers (thanks to English August way back in 2002). As luck would have it, I started Mr. Ray’s book first. Let me tell you, the 15 hour journey became a piece of cake. It was a laugh riot, sometimes to the amusement of fellow passengers. But that made me a great fan of greatbong Arnab Ray. After coming from US, I gave the book to my wife and she made me to search and buy the DVD of “Gunda”. I also ended up following him avidly all over the net. Finally when his 2^nd book released  The mine  I lapped it up and finished it one go

I should not have. When I finally finished the book at 4 AM, I was afraid to switch off the light and go to my bed room from living room. It is a mind blowing book. It remains with you even after you finish reading it. Mind you, if you read May I have your attention first and then The mine, you wont believe it’s the same writer.

The incidents are described in such graphic details that if you are a faint hearted, this book is not for you. Great job Mr. Ray – Keep up the good work.

Someday the world will appreciate your talent. Till such time...remember. Remember to forget  

My experiment with voting

09.00 AM

I am in this place called Aurangabad from last 1 year. A few months back, the Election Commission (EC) people came to register our name in voter’s list. My wife, for reasons known to her, shooed away the EC guys. Later she claimed that, she thought they were on voting campaign. This created a lot of furore in my mind because I am 37 years old, hold a valid Indian passport and yet I have never voted in my life. I hate politics. I hate politicians even more. But I love my country and want it to develop. And in a democracy, you can do it only by participating in a fair called election in which you choose the right person or party that can bring in the change (I know honest politician is an oxymoron)

10.00 AM

Armed with this logic (and the fact that I do not have my name in voter’s list), I went on a mission to cast my vote on the Election Day. Actually it was a holiday and I did not have anything else to do. I don’t know why the govt declares holiday on Election Day. It hardly takes 30 min to cast a vote, yet you are given a full day off – may be to ponder over the right candidates for 7½ hrs or simply as a perk of a democracy. I really pity the guys in Afghanistan or China where they do not have elections. Anyway, having nothing else to do and after bickering with wife for chasing away the EC guys who came to enlist us on voter’s list a few months ago, I set on a mission to vote. Earlier in the day, I read in the newspaper that if you have a valid passport, you can vote even if your name is not there in the voter’s list. I went to the polling booth closest to my home. It was a dilapidated govt office building. There were 3 or 4 odd guys standing outside each of the booths. At the entrance of the booth (makeshift office room), a goon like person looks for the name of next voter in the voter’s list. He then asks for an ID and if the actual face resembles the photo ID by say 3%, the voter is allowed to go inside. Looked pretty simple and thought I will show him my eligibility as per the newspaper and the passport (where my face matches the photograph by almost 90%) giving me the opportunity to vote for the first time in life. I stood in the shortest line. To honour Murphy and his stupid laws, the line moved at the slowest possible speed. When my turn came, I told my name and he started looking on the list. I told him that my name may not be there in the list and showed him the newspaper article along with the passport. He gave a look that he normally must be giving to people who annoys him in his loo. He told me that this is a sub-booth and such monkey business (of allowing people based on newspaper article & passport), if at all allowed, is allowed in the main voting centre for my area.

11.30 AM

1 hrs later, after 3 rounds of clarifications, I located the voting centre for my area. It was a govt primary school and most of the political parties had a makeshift office (a table, some water, lot of pamphlets, and some goons in white dress & gold chain). The place was bizarrely crowded. I had to park my vehicle at least a km ahead as the road was blocked with police vans and bikes. Just as I was wondering whom to contact and where to ask, a van with a red light arrived. Apparently it was packed lunch for the EC staff and the police on duty. What followed for next 30 min is beyond description. I should have carried a camcorder to record the ensuing madness. After 45 minutes, the place was filled with litters. I noticed a group of potbellied policemen sitting on a two wheeler who were having tobacco and a little fun. They were sitting right behind 2 lady constables who were controlling the queue and one of them had a very well endowed rear. I immediately understood the butt of their frolic and decided to take help of these jolly folks. As I moved towards them, 3 goons from different angles surrounded me and demanded my name. They were all carrying a voter’s list. They were actually from the political parties and were trying to find if I was a prospective voter. If yes, they normally coax, instruct or threaten you to vote for a particular candidate depending on your meekness or lack of it. I was not aware of this practice and mistaken it as group of rather helpful EC agents. When I told them my name, all them went on a frantic search mode in the list they had. After several rounds of clarification regarding my name, surname, spelling etc they realised that my name was not there in the list. I still shiver when I talk about the look the guys gave me and abuses they hurled on me when I told my story. One of the jolly policemen heard the commotion and till this day I thank him for saving me from that group. He made some “hoi” kind of a noise and these goons disappeared (the way they appeared) – may be on lookout for their next prey.  (note to self - “Hoi” must be a powerful local word)

12.30 PM

When I explained my situation to the horny cops, they told me that I should meet the EC officer in-charge for that centre. The officer was sitting on another makeshift office (table, 2 chairs, empty tea glasses, 2 files). He heard my story, gave a very annoying look, saw my passport, checked the address mentioned in my passport with a list in his file and then called an assistant. Apparently, there is a master list where they have all the names and the voter’s list is prepared from the same based on EC house verification. The officer told me that such a master list existed with the main EC officer (in-charge for many such centres) and the assistant would guide me on how to find the same. So a shabby looking assistant took me to a lady who was sitting on a Jeep just outside the centre. She was an assistant to the main officer. The first assistant explained the case to the lady assistant and left. The lady assistant was good looking and from what could I see from outside – she had a killer physique. She was smart. Very well dressed for a place like that (tight shirt, tight pant ...you get the drift). She spoke to me in English. God there were still some sensible guys in the govt who recruited such sexy officers. Anyway, she confirmed that such a list did exist and if my name was on the same, I could vote. For the first time in the entire day, I saw a ray of hope. I requested her to check the same at once so as to complete the great task of voting. She looked at me as if I have asked her to remove her clothes (it was a different story that at the same very moment, she found me ogling at her assets thru the corner of my eyes). Anyway, she told me that the list was available in the main city office. It is a computerised list and hence won’t take much time to search but would need the main officer’s permission to do so. And the main officer, who was lucky enough to have an assistant officer like her, was on his regular round of other centres. There were 7 such centres and he should be back in an hour

14.00 PM

Finally his highness arrived. He gave a wonderful smile to his lovely assistant and straightway boarded the jeep. The lady explained my case. For the first time again, I got a sympathetic look. I realised later that he sympathised my foolishness of going to such extends just to vote. In as many words, he told me that one vote anyway does not make much difference to the system and hence I should enjoy the holiday rather than wasting my time. I insisted on exercising my right to vote. He insisted that I was a moron. Finally he called me to his office at 3 pm to look into the matter. Exasperate, I returned home only to find that there was no lunch for me. I cursed myself, took bath and grabbed some leftover before dashing off to the EC office

15.15 PM

No sign of his highness. The office was virtually empty as everybody went on election duty. Having nothing else to do but wait, thought about the lovely assistant to kill some time. Fantasised about some choicest foreplays in great details. Just when I was about to move into the main act, the jeep arrived. The officer (along with a group but without the lovely assistant) went inside his room without eyeing me. All of a sudden an orderly appeared and stopped me from entering the officer’s cabin. Thirty agonising minutes later, the group left and I made my entry. It took 10 minutes to re-explain my case. He took 5 more minutes to re-insist that I was a moron. Finally he asked me to fill a form and meet one Mr. Sharma in the next big room.

16.30 PM

I filled up the form and met Mr. Sharma. Sharmaji was a nice gentleman who seemed to like his job which till that time looked to me as sleeping. He took one long and one hard look at the form, brought a rickety PC to life and began the eternal search of my name in the holy books of the divine body called Govt of India. A nice anticlimax – the list is 2 years old and names of people like me would appear in the list only during next update, due every 3 years. I thanked him, went home, apologised to my wife and jotted down the moral of the story.   

17.30 to 22.30 PM – Moral of the story

1. Now I know why it has to be a public holiday on the day of election. You are supposed to enjoy this day. Normally it is a dry day. So make it a point to stock up the previous day. 
2. It is better to absolve voting responsibilities rather than voting and then repenting in realisation that one vote does not really make any difference
3. The entire brouhaha about exercising ones voting rights is bullshit. Those columnist either inherited the voter’s list or never voted in their life
4. Voting does not make any difference. No matter whom you vote, finally a corrupt goon becomes minister
5.  When it comes to voting or any facets of life, wives are the best decision makers. They are smarter than us and most of the experience come naturally to them which we men learn the hard way
6. It is better to learn local words like “Hoi” than learning the political scenario of India
7. Don’t undermine the govt officers. Some of them are really hot     

Bhupen da aaru nai

Bhupenda aaru nai. The new hit me like a bullet. Eta kingbadanti purushor anto hol. din tu bhupendar ganoke xunilu. moi jetiya ei jibanar maya eri gusi jaam, axa karu mor xitaar kaxot tumar xohari paam